Sometimes I just want to write for no particular reason at all. It’s not that I have much of anything to say; it’s just that I want to find out what kinds of thoughts or ideas might be jumping around inside my head. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that my mind is extremely cluttered and easily distracted. I can literally switch topics several times a minute and soon find myself spinning around in confusion wondering which direction I’m headed and trying to remember what I was doing just a few seconds ago.
I literally get lost in a cacophony of thoughts and ideas that zip in and out of my consciousness like a five-year-old kid who is lost and overwhelmed inside a busy carnival. Every thought screams out from the sideline demanding my attention and promising to astonish and fulfill my curiosity. As soon as I peek my head inside the curtain, I’m met with a host of other barking voices screaming to come look at what they have to offer instead. In a very short time, I am not only totally confused, I feel mentally exhausted and discouraged that I’ve wasted so much time and energy without anything positive to show for it.
That’s one reason I like to meditate. It seems easier to ignore the constant clattering inside my head by releasing them and focusing instead on listening to high-pitched vibrational sounds in the atmosphere and allowing all “thoughts” to float past without holding on to any of them. After a while, things begin to settle down and I am able to enjoy a few minutes of genuine “quiet.” Not just external quiet, but a quietness inside my soul.
I’m not sure why I allow myself to become so distracted all of the time. There are just so many things I want to do. So many things I want to accomplish. That’s the ironic thing, really. There are so many things I want to do, but because I’m flitting around from one thing to another without following through on a single one of them, I end up accomplishing very little if anything.
This feeds into my frustration and despair which fuels the sense of panic I feel for not getting anything done which, in turn, creates even more distractions … and on and on it goes.
Occasionally I am able to focus momentarily and get just enough done that I’m able to function at a perfunctory level.